Disclosure...

I apologize for my lack of updates. I needed to take some time to sort this out in my head in order to make any kind of sense in writing. I am sharing these things in nearly real-time, so please bear with me.


Disclosure....it sounds innocent enough, but in the world of sexual addiction, disclosure is often complex and quite draining. Such was the case for us. Let me start here by reminding any and all that the addict brain is not rational or healthy. For the rest of us, if we decided one day that we needed to put everything out on the table in order to work through a problem (marital, work, whatever), that is exactly what we would do. Disclosure from the rational mind is most generally a one time event. "I need to tell you something. Here it is." The addict mindset is not this way. Most often, disclosure with an addict takes weeks, or in our case, months. It took two months of desiring recovery and working toward it for my husband to reach the point of being able to confess exactly what he had done. This was extremely hard for me as things would come out in little bits...a trickle here, another there, until finally I would put two and two together and a moment of disclosure would happen. At first I expected this and dealt well with it, but soon it became quite traumatic and I shut down. I decided we would just have to separate because I was hurting, withdrawing, and quite honestly terrified. I did not feel that I could feel the Spirit prompting me in either direction as long as I had my husband in the same house. He would look at me and I could not look at his face. He would say, "I love you," and I would feel like I'd been hit in the gut. I would look down, shoulders slumped. The words felt like an insult, like salt in the wounds.

By the time the disclosure was complete, I felt less than human. I felt like I had just had a bucket of manure dumped on my head and was expected to feel beautiful, loved and worthwhile. It was a dark place for me. I felt the desire to separate....or maybe just to run away. I longed to not have this feeling. I longed for peace and didn't think I could feel it with him here. But, it was Christmas. How on earth could I send away the kids' father at Christmas? I will just hold on. I can make it until after the holidays. Then we'll figure something out financially and he can leave.

I'd like to point out here that many people subscribe to a belief that full disclosure is not necessary. This is patently false. Disclosure is painful because addiction and betrayal are painful, not because disclosure is unnecessary. Disclosure often brings about separations, but it is not the cause. The actions and lies about them are the cause. Addiction thrives in secrecy. If things are held back, make no mistake, it is so the addict will not feel the pain and sorrow of his choices. If he is holding back, claiming he is sparing his wife, he is not truly ready to leave the addiction behind. That is truth. D&C 58:42-43 states: "42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.

 43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them."                                                                                                                                      

I can hear it now, "How dare you judge your husband! He doesn't need to confess to you!" And from one perspective, this is correct. I am not a judge in Israel. I do not hold the keys necessary to help facilitate my husband's repentance. Thank goodness for that! I have enough on my plate. I am, however, his wife. I am his companion, and an extension of himself. Lying to me is, in fact, lying to himself.(Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-8) Encouraging a man to be anything less than fully honest with his wife is to encourage a seed of deceit and inadvertently sanctions any lie that could be construed into "too much pain for her to bear." Repenting from breaking the law of chastity should not be done by way of lying to one's wife. Confessing a sin to Priesthood authority is necessary, but it is also required to confess to the injured party. If my husband stole something, he would have to confess to the owner of the item as well as his bishop. Infidelity is stealing from the marriage. Therefore, repentance cannot happen without confession and restitution (to the best of one's ability, if both are willing) to the injured spouse. 

As to details, that is up to the wife. Some women want to hear everything. They want to know who, when where, how often, etc. Some women only want vague accounts. I am the former. The reason for this is so that I could process for myself if there was anything left upon which to rebuild our marriage. I wanted to know if I had a likelihood of running into any of these women. I wanted to know how he felt about what he did at the time and presently. And, most of all, I wanted to be able to sort it out in my heart for consistency and to gauge whether he was really putting it out there and seeking recovery, or if he was holding back. Holding things back is a dangerous thing. It becomes that little dark corner of the mind where one can jump back and relive the experiences. And the more one does that, the bigger that corner of the mind gets until it has consumed the man once more. This is not to say it was easy for me to hear the things my husband had done. My heart races and pounds, my thoughts race, I feel nauseous, I begin to shake and shiver from deep in my core, my teeth chatter and I feel deeply cold, yet I sweat uncontrollably. It is an awful state. But I would take it any day over lies and minimizing.  When you live with lies for so long, you need truth, no matter how hard it is to hear.

One thing about disclosure that is terribly hard for the wife to process is the "Trickle Disclosure." This can happen in many ways such as being caught with pornography, admitting to only that incident, then later admitting to more. In our case, my husband confessed infidelity, but he minimized it. He clung to this throughout his disciplinary council. He was excommunicated, so he then thought, "Well, I don't need to confess it all. What else can they do to me?" As he worked his recovery (and it is real WORK) in the Men of Moroni Program, he began to say more, until finally, he put everything out on the table. I was angry. Oh boy was I upset. Why on earth would he continue to LIE to me when I gracefully went through that whole process by his side?!  How little must he think of me!  Do I still not deserve the whole truth?!
The answer is rather difficult to understand if you aren't ready to do so. The answer is that addiction is lies. They live and breathe lies. They convince themselves they are not lying (minimizing) and they are really only sparing their wives some serious pain. Sounds noble, right? It isn't. By this point, the wife has seen changes and she starts to think, "Maybe, just maybe, things have a chance of working out." She sees the difference in him and begins to think it is safe to begin healing and not just covering her wounds. And then....BANG! It's like a gunshot to her already fragile self. How could he do this? Does he even want to recover? When he said it was all out, he clearly knew it wasn't, so he must not really want to get better....AND I FELL FOR IT!"
She's hurt and angry at her husband, but she's also upset with herself for not somehow knowing and seeing all because now she is back in a world of pain. This is where I struggled the most. I had already endured a lot and thought I did so quite gracefully (ok...gracefully for me). And yet here I was being ripped open again. Why? Well, the answer is not as simple as I would like and it varies a little bit from person to person, but the general answer is that addicts have to recover to a certain point before they actually CAN give a full disclosure. It doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the pain they caused when they said, "That's really everything." It means they have been hit in the face with who they have become. It means they realize that lying is actually one of the root problems. They realize this, and even though it will cause pain and emotions they don't really want to deal with, their recovery means more to them...and so they disclose. Often, a man struggles to put it into words because he is not saying in his mind, "I cheated on my wife and had sex with that woman."
 He has told HIMSELF a load of lies such as, "It's no big deal. She's boring. This other woman really 'gets' me. She'll never know. If she doesn't know, she won't be hurt. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

 By the time his brain dries out a bit and he begins to think in a sober mindset, these rationalizations are appalling to him and he is embarrassed to admit he ever thought that way. He has begun to see where HE rejected his WIFE for his lust. He sees that he destroyed something real, beautiful and eternal for something cheap, tawdry, and fleeting. The realization of how far he's fallen doesn't generally hit him until AFTER he has begun to work hard toward a recovery. Before that point, lying, rationalizing and minimizing are the way their brains work...they really know no other way.  While amending a disclosure to include more is a trauma for the wife (how much so will depend on where she is emotionally and spiritually herself), it is actually a great stride toward a real and lasting recovery.

The final thing I would like to talk about here is coping with disclosure. This is such an individual thing as well. After the final disclosure, I shut down. I had prepared myself, calmed myself, and prayed with my husband before he started. I still shut down. I still felt sick. I still wanted him to just leave. I could barely look at him. This continued for a few days. Then it got worse. The anger swept over me like fire. But anger is a cover for deeper emotions, as I learned in WORTH.  Anger is a cover for shame, pain, and/or fear. At that moment, I was feeling all three emotions and masking them with a thick coat of anger. I had to allow myself to feel the pain and fear. I had to acknowledge that while I want to be brave and strong, I was feeling anything but at that point. I had to dismiss the shame. This is a hard one. I began by praying for comfort and mercy. I asked for my Heavenly Father to bind my broken heart as only He can. And then I told myself that this is not my shame. I wrote it in my journal and I said it to my support groups. This is NOT my shame. Shame is of the devil. Shame is one of his dirty little tricks and like all of his other lies, it cannot stand the light. I placed my pain and burdens at the feet of the Savior and listened. And he showed me in remarkable ways that are too sacred to write here that HE saw my pain and HE is mighty to save. Never in my life have I felt such strong spiritual bolstering.
Does this make it all better? Am I done now? No. Not by far. Every day, multiple times each day, I am faced with whether to leave the burden at HIS feet, or pick it back up again. Just as my husband (and all addicts) must choose each day to work their recovery, I must choose each day to work mine. Has forgiveness come? In some ways, yes. In others, no. It is a process and as I am not a perfect, sinless being like my Savior. I struggle to forgive completely. But I am striving to, and that is all HE expects in my fallen state...my best effort. Some days, I do great. Other days, I do a bang up job of regressing and feeling miserable. That's ok though because the bad days get easier, and then they spread out, and soon they become bad hours and finally, just moments.
Is this the way YOU or someone in your life will or should deal with disclosure? I have no idea! It is a very hard part of a very hard process brought on by a very hard and unhealthy situation. But, I hope that out of all of this, anyone reading this will see that no matter how someone discloses, how long it takes, and how it is received, there is hope and healing. It does come if you seek it. You will not always feel the way you do that first day. Whether you are the addict or the spouse, you will learn to cope. I cannot promise your marriage will survive. I cannot in this moment promise that my own marriage will survive this, but I can say for certain that surrendering it all to my Heavenly Father and drawing close to HIM has helped ME survive and even thrive in ways I never expected. I can say for certain that the man I now see as Ammon diligently works his recovery is a completely different man. I can say that I am witnessing first hand the messy, painful, and beautiful work of redemption. Christ's atonement IS ENOUGH....and so are YOU.

How Did We Get Here?

I suppose in any story, it's best to start at the beginning. I met my husband when we were both serving on active duty in the Army. We were from opposite sides of the country, but we shared the same faith, which I realized as soon as I heard his name. We connected very easily and quickly became exclusive. We had a very short courtship and engagement and were married after only 3.5 months of dating. Was that crazy? Perhaps, though it is not unusual among LDS couples to marry quickly since our doctrine strictly prohibits sexual relations outside of marriage.

Ammon was a kind, charming guy, with a Cheshire cat grin and sparkling blue eyes. Ok, the white cowboy hat and Wranglers also made me swoon. I was young and confident. I was a soldier, after all, and I loved it. We began our life together while working on the same airfield. He was down in a hangar, fixing helicopters and I was an air traffic controller up in the tower. It was a fun time, and as far as I could tell, we were happy.

A month after being married, Ammon made the newlywed mistake of accusing me of having PMS. As he realized the danger of this situation, he attempted to back pedal it by saying, "I didn't mean it...I just meant....maybe you're pregnant!" I wasn't buying it, and to prove it, I took a pregnancy test. I stood there in the bathroom just itching to show him that stick and say, "Ha! Not pregnant! Not possible!"

Then I saw the two pink lines.

Yep. My hotheaded plan revealed that I had gotten pregnant in our first week of marriage. We were both shocked, but that feeling quickly gave way to excitement....we were having a baby! And for a few months, that excitement stuck around as we began to imagine life as a family of three.

I wasn't aware at that time that my "happily ever after" was not what it seemed. Something was off. He was distant. I took it as just anxiety about how we would both work in the military with a child. We also had some neighbors who were in pretty dire straights and so they spent a lot of time with us and I would help care for their daughter when I got home from work.

Let me stop right here and point out that this is addict tactic #1....DISTRACTION.

Here was this nice couple that had been really friendly to my husband and me, and they needed help. It was actually impressive to me that my husband was trying to be so Christ-like in helping them. Of course I would help with the little girl. She reminded me of my little sister whom I was missing terribly. And so we helped them with food and even let them stay with us when they got behind on rent. It was a little odd, but in that neighborhood, there were a lot of people living in poverty. Not long after that, we ended up with a whole group of neighborhood kids every day after work. They came for attention, to play in a safe place, and to get food. And while I was distracted with caring for the entire neighborhood, and sick with worry when one of the mothers was clearly beaten, my husband was spending more and more time on the computer. Most of what I saw were video games, but there were a few times I saw chat windows and found myself asking who he was chatting with so much. There was always a very reasonable explanation, and things went on like that until our son was born.

After the birth of our first child, I began to see things I couldn't ignore. But no matter how many times I confronted him, he always had a way of explaining it, apologizing for it, whatever it took to move on. It wasn't hard to distract me at this point as our son had severe reflux and would projectile vomit countless times every day.

In the fall of 2002, we left the Army and moved to Ammon's home town. He began working for his parents' business and he was also in the National Guard. One day, while he was at drill, I got on the computer to email a picture to our friends who had been there the day our son was born. I couldn't find the picture I was after, so I began to search through files. I clicked on one folder, and to my horror, I found hundreds of pornographic images. I was stunned, sickened, repulsed, and angry. As I looked further into the history, I found conversations with women and even evidence that he had met someone from a chat room.

I immediately said to myself, "He's addicted to pornography." I knew this was a serious thing, but I admit that I had no clue how ingrained it was. My 22 year old brain just kept saying, "So why doesn't he just stop it? So what if it hurts?! Does he not see that this hurts me? Does he not see that this will destroy his marriage and devastate his son? Surely, even if he doesn't think *I* am worth the pain, SURELY he will think his son is worth it, right?"

WRONG.

The addict brain is wired to keep the addiction at all costs. It does not register the pain of others because that would make the high stop...and the high is necessary to maintain life...or so their brain tells them.

I confronted my husband when he called that night. I told him what I found and how much it hurt and that I was scared and sickened. I was alone, without my family for support and without any long-time friends. I had hoped for some remorse and desire to change. What I got was, "Why were you looking in my settings? They were under there for a reason."

Yes, you read that right. He was looking out for me by putting them somewhere I wouldn't (hopefully) find them, and if I had just stayed out of there, I would not have been hurt.

Which brings me to addict tactic #2.....RATIONALIZATION.

You see, it wasn't his destructive behaviors that were a problem, it was me looking where I shouldn't.

As you can probably imagine, this tactic went over about like a lead balloon. At this point Ammon's brain was telling him, "You're caught. Say whatever you have to say."  And that is what he did. He called me back and told me, "I know I need help. I want to get better. I will go to the Bishop with you."

I was beyond angry. I was hurt and I was anything but forgiving. We went to the Bishop's office the following day after church. It was April 2nd, 2003. The Bishop was very kind, but openly said he was new to the office and new to the phenomenon of sexual addiction. He referred us to a family counselor with LDS Family Services. We went to several sessions which I thought were less than productive. I felt like I was spiraling downward and Ammon never really said much, just the same things over and over, which I felt were pointless. Yet, he seemed so penitent, always going to his appointments with the Bishop and at least trying counseling. I wasn't seeing the true changes, but I ended up just looking jealous, bitter, and unforgiving. Here he was, admitting to this terribly embarrassing issue, and I just couldn't get over it.

This tactic is called....CRAZY MAKING.

Crazy making can include many behaviors, but some of the ones we saw were:
Blame - Well, if you had been more understanding. If you had curly hair. If you were better in bed. This isn't MY fault, it's somehow yours.

Defensiveness - Why are you looking over my shoulder? Why do you want to talk to me? What? Are you saying I can't have any friends?

Minimization - I didn't think it was that bad!

There are other languages of Crazy Making. These are just the typical things that my husband tried.

After about six months, my husband received sort of the "all clear" from the Bishop, and that was all he had wanted. He would later tell me that he only ever said whatever he had to say to get out of the room and go back to whatever he wanted. He said some nice things, but in reality, there was no real desire to change. I was blissfully unaware of his intentions at this point, however, and I was relieved to be moving forward and leaving pornography behind. But that was not what happened.

In 2004, I found emails between my husband and another woman. The content of them led me to believe there was something physical happening. He, of course, denied it. He claimed he thought about it, but did not want to cheat, and so he came home instead. Shortly thereafter, we moved to another state, and I again began to find things that were questionable. Finally, when I saw conversations about meeting up, I knew that not only was the pornography not under control, the addiction had progressed. At this point, Ammon went through a church disciplinary hearing with our Branch President and was disfellowshipped for six months. I saw some real emotion with this that I took as a very good sign, and I do believe that he tried, but in order to truly root out this evil, one cannot hold onto any part of it. He was still interested in skirting the line.

In 2007, we had another falling out when I discovered more pornography. He worked with our Branch President and it seemed he was in what I thought was a real recovery. In early 2009, however, I received a call from a sister at church who was herself struggling with issues. She told me that my husband had sent her inappropriate texts and forwarded them to me. This poor sister was terrified to tell me because she thought I would be angry with her and hate her.
I was livid. But not at her, and I told her as much. My husband is responsible for his own actions. No one else is to blame. I share this because I really think people need to realize that. It is not anyone else's fault. It's not even excusable due to childhood trauma or abuse. Those things are keys to understanding the desires, but they in no way excuse bad choices. This time, our poor Branch President was exasperated. "Ammon, I just don't understand why you are doing this." At this point, I was told, "Sister Buhler, he may have to lose everything in order to repent." I was considering leaving at that point. I was not only done with these issues, but I was humiliated. The person he had texted had shared it with her family....who happened to make up about a third of our congregation at that time. I wanted to run away. I didn't resent any of the people for knowing, but I felt so completely isolated. I knew people looked at me with pity and some were even vocal in their criticism that I had not simply walked away. It was this time that I saw what I thought were real changes in my husband. By the end of 2009, I was feeling as though things were finally falling into place the way they always should have been. My husband was given his temple recommend in the spring of 2010 and we attended the temple together more than we were ever able to in our marriage to that point. We had our fourth baby in 2010 as well. By the end of 2010, I was not even looking over my shoulder or his. I knew that pornography would always be a temptation for him, but it seemed he was dealing with it and I felt like we were finally through that dark tunnel. I was enjoying the light. By this point, we had done traditional marriage counseling four times and he had done the LDS Addiction Recovery Program once.

There were times I felt prompted that my husband was having problems. I would ask, but I was always told, "Well, it's not always easy, but I am doing ok. I have exactly what I want." Sometimes I would be suspicious of him texting and would ask to see the phone. There was never anything inappropriate there and so I chalked up the feeling to old feelings and moved on. I was happy. We all seemed happy. I had become an advocate for orphans with special needs in 2011, and we were discussing adopting more children once our biological kids were grown or in their teens. And then, in August of 2012, Ammon said we could look at it now. I was incredibly happy. Husbands are often reluctant to commit to raise a child they did not biologically create. But here was my husband suggesting the idea! We adopted a child with special needs from an orphanage overseas in 2013. Adoption of a child with trauma is parenting on a whole new level. I was stretched in ways I never thought imaginable. Things between Ammon and me were a little strained during the initial adjustment, but a few months into it, we seemed to become amazingly close. Things seemed to get even better as we went though the summer of 2014. At the end of September, we were at a doctor visit with our child when Ammon showed me something on his phone and accidentally scrolled back a little too far, inadvertently showing me an inappropriate picture. I kept it together as the doctor walked in right at that second, but when we got to the car, I asked for an explanation. The response I got was not truthful. I told him to try again. I calmly and patiently discredited every lie he told me. I also told him once again that I was not going to police him, but I would be right here when he decided to be truthful. Over the course of the next week, he confessed more and more. By the weekend, he confessed that he had in fact had an affair back in 2004 with the woman whose emails I had discovered. He also confessed to two more affairs. One in 2012 that began when he suggested adoption...Remember addict tactic #1? Classic distraction. That one was the hardest to take because it lasted a year. The last one was from January to March of 2014. The stressful transition time was when he was having the affair and the time I felt things get better (which I attributed to finding our new normal and adjusting) was when the affair ended. At the time I saw the picture, he had devolved that week to searching Craigslist for sex. He confessed it all.

As you may imagine, I was very hurt by this confession. It was a LOT to process that covered many years. I had to come to terms with the times when I thought things were great, but really I was just being fooled. I had to deal with a lot of emotions over that. However, surprisingly, there was a peace that overcame me. A peace that everything was now out in the open.

This bomb was dropped on me about two weeks before I was to leave for a retreat that had been in the works for a year. Before I left, we met with our Bishop as well as our Stake President. Both meetings were surprisingly loving. I truly believe the Spirit was different in the room because Ammon was coming in of his own volition. He called and made the appointments. He confessed it all, and left nothing out. He expressed his desire to be free from this addiction. He was humble and teachable...two words that I never would have used to describe my husband before. I went on the retreat and spent a week with uplifting women with a lot of quiet time. I began to read Visions of Glory by John Pontios. That helped bring me to a more eternal perspective, rather than focusing on my immediate pain. I was able to spend a lot of time in prayer, as well as listen to uplifting music during the long drive. I came home refreshed and at peace. I was also ready to accept whatever decision was made at the High Council hearing which was the day I got home.

It was at this point that I found the Sons of Helaman Facebook page. That lead me to Men of Moroni and to Maurice Harker's blog Memoirs of an LDS Therapist. Immediately, I knew that this Maurice guy really knew what he was talking about. This was all about men not only learning to take responsibility for their actions, but learning what that means and HOW to do it. Addicts need to know not just what steps to take, but how to take them. His analogies were very validating to me as well. It was a huge ray of hope....someone understands this from my side too. I reached out to them via email and was contacted by Neils, who facilitates the Men of Moroni group. He put me in touch with his wonderful wife (who is also named Michele)  and we immediately clicked. We had such similar stories and ways of thinking, and she is now the first person I reach out to when I feel the pain surfacing. You can read Michele's story here: What HE Did Will Not Define US 
We attended an online seminar that week and we both knew that THIS is something different. Ammon signed up for Men of Moroni and I began attending the W-O-R-T-H online meetings.
Today is day 19 for my husband of being clean and meeting all of his MAN-PWR goals. For the first time, I see real, quantifiable changes. I also have noticed changes that are more subtle. A light is returning to Ammon's face....or maybe it's there for the first time. Our home is rarely quiet with five children in it, but there is an underlying peace that is new. They are subtle changes, but most welcome. We are fighting together to cast Satan out of our home and our marriage. We are fighting to keep our family together. Yes, it hurts, but I've never been one to give up without a fight.

If you or your spouse are struggling with the bondage of sexual addiction, I encourage you to reach out. Know that you are not alone. Know you are loved by a Savior who has the power to redeem you of all sin. He also has the power to heal your heart from the affects of other people's sins. He stands ready to soothe your soul and bind your broken heart. You are worth it. You have value beyond compare. You are ENOUGH.